Ok, so there are days that things are kind of crummy and there are moments in those days that make me want to go postal. But, overall, I am L.O.V.I.N.G. my life right now. You want to know why? Because I get to make my own decisions. Wait it gets better. Not only can I make my own decisions but then I can decide who I share that information with and who I don't. Oh wait, it gets better. Not only do I get to make that decision but I also get to decide how I react to people that don't like my decisions. I like to call it sweet freedom and she is mine, all mine.
I am inching closer to finalizing the big D. I say inching because it is slow as all get out. I got a call form the paralegal today telling me that the lawyer will go over the divorce petition then call me in to sign the paperwork. It will probably still be several months before it is over, but each little step is one step closer to happy.
So yeah, I could be thinner(working on it), prettier, happier, etc... but right now I am doing pretty well with where I am. Just got some loose ends to tie up! Let operation "I will be happy" commence!!!!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
quickie
So, I haven't posted here and months and my last post was lame. If I am still on your reader, well you rock.
I am posting to tell you that I posted on the private blog. I am also mulling over a potential post about divorcing while part of a group experience (like church). So, maybe I will be back here soon with that. In the meantime I will leave you with a little James Morrison. I love him a bunch.
I am posting to tell you that I posted on the private blog. I am also mulling over a potential post about divorcing while part of a group experience (like church). So, maybe I will be back here soon with that. In the meantime I will leave you with a little James Morrison. I love him a bunch.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Want to listen to something I have been loving lately?
Drive by posting from the ridiculously overwhelmed and highly distracted student.
LOOOVVVEEEEE this song.
LOOOVVVEEEEE this song.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I have been robbed...
of my peace. I have been robbed of my peace for 10 years and I am still being robbed of it today.
I added two new posts over on the private blog. Also, this is a ridiculously long post. After a 2 hour counseling session on Friday my mind is reeling and I need to get it all out.
I went to the shrinky dink on Friday and while the visit was a little strange, it was well worth my time. She said that if I was being honest with her (which I was) that she felt really comfortable with suggesting that perhaps my husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and if that is the case there is absolutely nothing that I can do or could have done to make him see the light. She wasn't saying that there weren't things I could have done differently, just that as far as having an impact on him it really just would not have made a difference.
She also told me that, regardless of what anyone else says, I can stand firm in the knowledge that he was indeed emotionally/mentally abusive. This point has been one of so much frustration for me. I have had a few people tell me that divorce is really only an option if he cheated on me or abused me. Then they go on to clarify that by abuse they only mean of the physical sort. How does anyone make that ok in their head or their heart? How is one form of abuse more tolerable than the other? I am so baffled by it that I still sit here and shake my head.
I will say that I believe firmly in the Bible. I believe that it is God's word sent to us to guide us through our lives until we can go be with Him. What I don't believe in is the fallacy that it is alright to pick and choose that which we "give a little leeway to." You know what I mean, right? Like how so many people stand firm in the whole "the only way out of a marriage is if your spouse cheats on you" aspect of scripture but those same people would not scream for their son's hand to get cut off if they caught him stealing or for their eyes to be gouged out because one time they had a lustful thought about another woman. I find it incredibly disheartening that people pick and choose which scriptures to hold absolutely steadfast too and which ones they will suggest that maybe God wasn't being so entirely strict about.
There is also a place in scripture that suggests that you should forgive someone 7X70 times. Well, if we are going to interpret things so literally, I have more than done that. I have forgiven so many times, for the same things, with no change in attitude from my husband. I have no doubt that I have surpassed the 490 mark. Does that make me free to pursue my divorce? No. Apparently that one is not supposed to be taken literally. Huh? Who decides this stuff?
Do you see what I mean? How is the average person supposed to know where to stand firm and where to let the scriptural ground be rocky? Are the beliefs that others hold about this whole "is it biblical to get divorced thing" really their own or is it what has been passed down to them for years and years by people that at one point thought it was perfectly acceptable to beat your wife into submission, to degrade her and make her feel less than? Is this belief simply a leftover from a time when women (and slaves)were merely possessions to men, not truly mates? Furthermore, when is it ever ok for someone to abuse you and use the Bible as a way to make you feel guilty for railing against the abuse?
Over the last few months I have been told a few times that I seem very angry. Well, yes. I am angry. I am sick to death of the hypocrisy. I am sick to death of people claiming to love me and care for me but still finding it perfectly acceptable to try to convince me to remain in a marriage with a man that is emotionally abusive. I am tired of the awkwardness, I am tired of my credit getting ruined, I am tired of NEVER knowing how I am going to pay for anything because a budget was just too mush to deal with. I am tired of having people look at me as if I have done something wrong. I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!!! I did my best to make a broken marriage work. I lived through ten years in a one sided marriage because I believed that if I just prayed hard enough that God would mend it. I am tired of people assuming that I have been unfair in our custody agreement when Jon chose every minute of his time with Josh. I didn't deny him anything that he asked for, as a matter of fact, he turned me down on 40+ additional hours a month that I offered him. I am tired of trying to get through this thing with some semblance of grace but having people angry at me because they felt that the "grace" was actually a lie on my part.
The bottom line is that my husband was unfaithful to me from the moment we got married. He may have never slept with another woman but he didn't honor the vows that he made to me, at all. At some point in business, when one partner in an agreement backs out you have to figure out when to cut your losses and move on. You have to figure out a way to get out of the contract before the other person sucks you dry and you are left with absolutely nothing. That is what I am doing. I am, for the first time in ten years, trying to protect myself from financial ruin, from abuse, from manipulation, and from constant upheaval.
Still, even though there has been no true peace for me in the last ten years, people want to tell me that it isn't ok to divorce him. My response to that,because my husband claims to be a believer, is Matthew 18:15-17.
Matthew 18:15 "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."
I have followed this teaching and still, he "refuses to listen." This scripture gives me the peace I need to move on. This scripture gave me the peace that I needed to start the assets portion of the paperwork to switch from a separation to a divorce. This scripture gives me the courage to proclaim that the Father loved me enough to provide me with a guideline for conflict management so that I wouldn't have to be tied to my abuser forever. I do believe that God hates divorce, but I also believe that God hates abuse. Furthermore, it is my belief that the abuser is in a state of denial about his salvation.
"If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?" (1John 4:20)
I wonder if the people who have suggested that I must stay in my marriage would feel the same way if it was their daughter in the emotionally abusive relationship. Would they tell her, even though she had tried to do all of the "right" things to no avail, to just tough it out? Would they find it perfectly acceptable to tell her that she must remain tied to her abuser for the rest of her life and to never have the chance to experience the kind of marital love that God intended for His children? Would they be able to sleep at night knowing that someone was claiming to love their child but was really hating them? For their sake, I hope they never have to find out.
I added two new posts over on the private blog. Also, this is a ridiculously long post. After a 2 hour counseling session on Friday my mind is reeling and I need to get it all out.
I went to the shrinky dink on Friday and while the visit was a little strange, it was well worth my time. She said that if I was being honest with her (which I was) that she felt really comfortable with suggesting that perhaps my husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and if that is the case there is absolutely nothing that I can do or could have done to make him see the light. She wasn't saying that there weren't things I could have done differently, just that as far as having an impact on him it really just would not have made a difference.
She also told me that, regardless of what anyone else says, I can stand firm in the knowledge that he was indeed emotionally/mentally abusive. This point has been one of so much frustration for me. I have had a few people tell me that divorce is really only an option if he cheated on me or abused me. Then they go on to clarify that by abuse they only mean of the physical sort. How does anyone make that ok in their head or their heart? How is one form of abuse more tolerable than the other? I am so baffled by it that I still sit here and shake my head.
I will say that I believe firmly in the Bible. I believe that it is God's word sent to us to guide us through our lives until we can go be with Him. What I don't believe in is the fallacy that it is alright to pick and choose that which we "give a little leeway to." You know what I mean, right? Like how so many people stand firm in the whole "the only way out of a marriage is if your spouse cheats on you" aspect of scripture but those same people would not scream for their son's hand to get cut off if they caught him stealing or for their eyes to be gouged out because one time they had a lustful thought about another woman. I find it incredibly disheartening that people pick and choose which scriptures to hold absolutely steadfast too and which ones they will suggest that maybe God wasn't being so entirely strict about.
There is also a place in scripture that suggests that you should forgive someone 7X70 times. Well, if we are going to interpret things so literally, I have more than done that. I have forgiven so many times, for the same things, with no change in attitude from my husband. I have no doubt that I have surpassed the 490 mark. Does that make me free to pursue my divorce? No. Apparently that one is not supposed to be taken literally. Huh? Who decides this stuff?
Do you see what I mean? How is the average person supposed to know where to stand firm and where to let the scriptural ground be rocky? Are the beliefs that others hold about this whole "is it biblical to get divorced thing" really their own or is it what has been passed down to them for years and years by people that at one point thought it was perfectly acceptable to beat your wife into submission, to degrade her and make her feel less than? Is this belief simply a leftover from a time when women (and slaves)were merely possessions to men, not truly mates? Furthermore, when is it ever ok for someone to abuse you and use the Bible as a way to make you feel guilty for railing against the abuse?
Over the last few months I have been told a few times that I seem very angry. Well, yes. I am angry. I am sick to death of the hypocrisy. I am sick to death of people claiming to love me and care for me but still finding it perfectly acceptable to try to convince me to remain in a marriage with a man that is emotionally abusive. I am tired of the awkwardness, I am tired of my credit getting ruined, I am tired of NEVER knowing how I am going to pay for anything because a budget was just too mush to deal with. I am tired of having people look at me as if I have done something wrong. I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!!! I did my best to make a broken marriage work. I lived through ten years in a one sided marriage because I believed that if I just prayed hard enough that God would mend it. I am tired of people assuming that I have been unfair in our custody agreement when Jon chose every minute of his time with Josh. I didn't deny him anything that he asked for, as a matter of fact, he turned me down on 40+ additional hours a month that I offered him. I am tired of trying to get through this thing with some semblance of grace but having people angry at me because they felt that the "grace" was actually a lie on my part.
The bottom line is that my husband was unfaithful to me from the moment we got married. He may have never slept with another woman but he didn't honor the vows that he made to me, at all. At some point in business, when one partner in an agreement backs out you have to figure out when to cut your losses and move on. You have to figure out a way to get out of the contract before the other person sucks you dry and you are left with absolutely nothing. That is what I am doing. I am, for the first time in ten years, trying to protect myself from financial ruin, from abuse, from manipulation, and from constant upheaval.
Still, even though there has been no true peace for me in the last ten years, people want to tell me that it isn't ok to divorce him. My response to that,because my husband claims to be a believer, is Matthew 18:15-17.
Matthew 18:15 "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."
I have followed this teaching and still, he "refuses to listen." This scripture gives me the peace I need to move on. This scripture gave me the peace that I needed to start the assets portion of the paperwork to switch from a separation to a divorce. This scripture gives me the courage to proclaim that the Father loved me enough to provide me with a guideline for conflict management so that I wouldn't have to be tied to my abuser forever. I do believe that God hates divorce, but I also believe that God hates abuse. Furthermore, it is my belief that the abuser is in a state of denial about his salvation.
"If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?" (1John 4:20)
I wonder if the people who have suggested that I must stay in my marriage would feel the same way if it was their daughter in the emotionally abusive relationship. Would they tell her, even though she had tried to do all of the "right" things to no avail, to just tough it out? Would they find it perfectly acceptable to tell her that she must remain tied to her abuser for the rest of her life and to never have the chance to experience the kind of marital love that God intended for His children? Would they be able to sleep at night knowing that someone was claiming to love their child but was really hating them? For their sake, I hope they never have to find out.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
You should really talk to somebody...
I just made a new post over on the private blog. It is ummmm revealing, and I am completely freaked out that I posted it. ha!
I got a message last night, on Facebook, from an acquaintance that I go to church with. She basically told me that she thought I should consider getting counseling for my anger. I know that she is right. I have always that was something that I would do, I just wasn't sure when. Well, if friends are seeing the need, then the time is now. I called and left a message for one counselor today. She called back when I wasn't near my phone and sounded irritated that she had to leave me a message. So, probably am not going to be calling her back, which stinks since she is the only in-network provider that is local to me.
I also made dental and eye appointments for Josh and I today. I want to go ahead and get everything covered before the divorce stuff really starts.
I got a message last night, on Facebook, from an acquaintance that I go to church with. She basically told me that she thought I should consider getting counseling for my anger. I know that she is right. I have always that was something that I would do, I just wasn't sure when. Well, if friends are seeing the need, then the time is now. I called and left a message for one counselor today. She called back when I wasn't near my phone and sounded irritated that she had to leave me a message. So, probably am not going to be calling her back, which stinks since she is the only in-network provider that is local to me.
I also made dental and eye appointments for Josh and I today. I want to go ahead and get everything covered before the divorce stuff really starts.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Waaaa Waaaaa Waaaaaaaaaaa
First: I have a new post up over on my private blog where I talk about my thoughts on my biblical rights to get out of a bad marriage, the insanity that is the cost of school supplies, and how I think that someone I know is a sociopath. If you need permission shoot me an email or leave a comment with your email address.
I feel like I have been in such a Debbie Downer mode lately. So, I have decided to do an entirely upbeat post with a simple theme:
THE THINGS I LOVE!!!
Now, this is entirely about things, not people. Of course the people in my life and my faith are what matter the most to me, this is just going to be a post of fun things.
6. Another amazing gift that I got for my birthday is this lovely...
My very thoughtful and loving friends got me this since my Senior Thesis will be on Jane Austen. I am still contemplating the specifics of the thesis, but now I have this lovely book to be contemplative over. wOOt!
7. Mary Margaret's- This is a little resale store that is about 25 minutes away from my house and I love that every time I go in there I find at least one thing I like. I got a brand new pair of Liz Claiborne pants for $7.99 a few weeks ago.
8. Lane Bryant Perfect fit jeans. I do not have a pair yet, but I am so going to get some! I have at least 8 pairs of jeans in my closet. None of them actually fit me well. They are too loose in the butt/upper leg or they gap in the back and show off my underpants, or they have so much extra room in the hip/upper thigh region that they have these weird little hip wings. I am serious, none of them fit. Then today I went "window" shopping at LB and took those babies for a test drive. It was pair number 6 that stole my heart. Wanna see a pic?
These bad boys are $39.99 on sale and as poor as a girl is, she still needs a few good pairs of jeans.
I have a few more things to add, but I am going to just do it as a what I love post part 2 because there is some reality tv calling my name. ha
I feel like I have been in such a Debbie Downer mode lately. So, I have decided to do an entirely upbeat post with a simple theme:
THE THINGS I LOVE!!!
Now, this is entirely about things, not people. Of course the people in my life and my faith are what matter the most to me, this is just going to be a post of fun things.
- Nail Polish- I know this is going to sound silly but it is completely new to me. After 25+ years as a nail biter, I have finally quit. It is exciting that there is something there to polish so I just find myself looking at the million different types and imagining what I would buy if I were rich...
- Eye makeup- About 3 months ago a friend of mine actually taught me how to apply my eye makeup and now I love looking at the different kinds of shadows and liners. My current favorite shadow is L'oreal Paris Wear Infinite Eye Shadow frosted icing and my favorite liner is Cover Girl LineExact Liquid Liner #610. If I am being perfectly honest, liquid eyeliner and I have never really gotten along. However, this applicator works for me and I almost have a really nice steady line going. A few more weeks and I will be a liquid liner pro.
- A Thrifty Mom and Fantabulessly Frugal-I heart these blogs. A Thrifty Mom gives scores of ideas for ways to save money on groceries and household items and Fantabulessly Frugal gives you the heads up on all the best internet sales. (well, maybe not all of them, but alot of them.)
- Facebook-To be honest, facebook has been a mixed bag for me lately. The drama on there is really what instigated this blog shake up and I have had a few incidents on there that has led to some damaged relationships. However, it is still on the list of things that I love because it has brought most of my best friends from high school and a little after back to me. (Most of them in the past week!) Even with all the turmoil I will never be able to say anything bad about facebook because it brought my back my girls.
- My Most Beautiful Wonderful Purse- At 31 years of age I finally have my first leather purse (I know, sad) Anyway, it is the prettiest shade of blue and I have been imaging this purse in my mind for seven months. I finally found it and it was ridiculously expensive (and lets not forget that I am broke) but my parents got it for me for my birthday and I am thrilled!!!! Here is a picture only mine is a beautiful blue. Did I mention that I love it?
6. Another amazing gift that I got for my birthday is this lovely...
My very thoughtful and loving friends got me this since my Senior Thesis will be on Jane Austen. I am still contemplating the specifics of the thesis, but now I have this lovely book to be contemplative over. wOOt!
7. Mary Margaret's- This is a little resale store that is about 25 minutes away from my house and I love that every time I go in there I find at least one thing I like. I got a brand new pair of Liz Claiborne pants for $7.99 a few weeks ago.
8. Lane Bryant Perfect fit jeans. I do not have a pair yet, but I am so going to get some! I have at least 8 pairs of jeans in my closet. None of them actually fit me well. They are too loose in the butt/upper leg or they gap in the back and show off my underpants, or they have so much extra room in the hip/upper thigh region that they have these weird little hip wings. I am serious, none of them fit. Then today I went "window" shopping at LB and took those babies for a test drive. It was pair number 6 that stole my heart. Wanna see a pic?
These bad boys are $39.99 on sale and as poor as a girl is, she still needs a few good pairs of jeans.
I have a few more things to add, but I am going to just do it as a what I love post part 2 because there is some reality tv calling my name. ha
Jilly B. Jones
I wanted to share a funny Bean moment with you all. I should preface this by saying (what every mom says) that my Bean is not the average 5 year old. He reads, a lot. He reads ridiculously well. He has been reading forevah. He also really, really likes music. By music I do not mean Lori Berkner or Twinkle Twinkle. I mean Black Eyed Peas and Billy Joel. I know, weird variety. Anyway, the other day I was singing Our Love Is Here To Stay to him.
About an hour later we were at a restaurant and that song just happened to be playing in the restaurant. I don't know who was actually singing the version we were listening to. He makes this very quizzical face, and aks me who is singing it. I tell him I am not sure. He then tells me that he thinks it is Jilly B Jones. Ummm OK, who? At this point there is a long pause while I try to figure out what in the heck he is talking about. I finally ask him who Jilly B. Jones is. He gets really frustrated with me and tells me that we have heard his piano harmonica song a million times in the car. Huh? I am so lost at this point. He then says, "You know mom, Jilly B Jones that sings bring me a song yo piano man with the harmonicas and stuff."
Ooooohhhhh. Billy Joel = Jilly B. Jones. Makes all the sense in the world.
I wonder if Jilly B. Jones knows that he uses the word yo in Piano Man?
About an hour later we were at a restaurant and that song just happened to be playing in the restaurant. I don't know who was actually singing the version we were listening to. He makes this very quizzical face, and aks me who is singing it. I tell him I am not sure. He then tells me that he thinks it is Jilly B Jones. Ummm OK, who? At this point there is a long pause while I try to figure out what in the heck he is talking about. I finally ask him who Jilly B. Jones is. He gets really frustrated with me and tells me that we have heard his piano harmonica song a million times in the car. Huh? I am so lost at this point. He then says, "You know mom, Jilly B Jones that sings bring me a song yo piano man with the harmonicas and stuff."
Ooooohhhhh. Billy Joel = Jilly B. Jones. Makes all the sense in the world.
I wonder if Jilly B. Jones knows that he uses the word yo in Piano Man?
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